Anguished English- Time to wear dirty clothes

  One of the funniest books I’ve ever read. Rightly subtitled ‘An anthology of accidental assaults upon our language ’, Anguished English is Richard Lederer’s collection of anecdotes and one liners from various facets of life. Wear old clothes while you read this book or even the excerpts in this article, you might dirty yourself rolling on the ground.

 Few of my favorites quips from Anguished English. They say, trying to dissect a joke is like dissecting a frog. It smells and the frog would probably be dead. So, I’m not attempting a dissection, but a commentary (in blue) to some delightful imagination.

Student bloopers from Anguished English:

 The below bloopers were performed by students with a different perspective on the World history. Just that they were blessed with an overworking imagination.

 The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. – Obviously the students thought that the Egyptians could build mountains by watering huge triangular cubes. I think the triangular cubes are one of the extinct shapes like the extinct bird dodo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. - I always wanted to know the author of the bible. I wonder what circulated in the veins before the invention of circulation of blood. And Sir Francis Drake’s feat is definitely unique – an expert circumcision.

 Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.-  Probably why there are no apples in South India, too much of gravity too early.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.- Did the musical composition create large number of children. He might have risen out of his grave to search the student who wrote this.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.-   Just another way to express death of great person.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. – Such a genius. A genius is 99% imagination and 1% tomfoolery.

Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. – How did B.Franlkin ride a horse with loaves of bread beneath his arms? He must have been in a tight spot. Did he eat them?  We have lots of cats in Tamilnadu, why can’t somebody rub cats backward and generate electricity. Apart from electricity, that would generate jobs too. Thank God Franklin is still dead.

 How I wish someone would publish the Indian assault on English language.  That will be revenge for the pathetic display of Indian cricket team against the visiting England team. What would they title it, Inflamed English?

Any contribution towards the revenge is welcome. This is your chance to take that revenge against English.